My Story Part 3 The Sexual Abuse

Childhood trauma will impact a person for their life. You can heal but you can’t make up things that you missed. It is the healing that is important and moving forward from today that is important.

Lets talk about another issue that had a great impact on my life and my view of life. I believe that this happened the summer between first and second grade or age six. It was sexual abused by a neighbor who lived behind our house. As far as I can figure, it was daily for much of that summer.This experience had a profound affect on my entire relationship life. I started dating in my late teens and early twenties. If the guy got a little frisky, I would develop a blistering head ache and have to go home. Later, when I went on the pill, the headaches became migraines. I suffered from severe migraines for over thirty years. Severe in that the migraines would last 6-7 days twice a month. Somehow I was able to work through these headaches and then crash. Menopause has been kind to me in this area.

I do not remember everything that happened related to the sexual abuse. It was a lost memory until 1999. I was talking with a counselor when all of a sudden I had a vision. This vision was of me and as me through my eyes as six year old. I was naked, looking down on my little body from behind my eyes. I was having all these sexual feelings… ??? Something that a six year old would never have. Instant panic and instant shame.

I was in counseling… that was good. I did talk therapy and EMDR as well as energy healing to help me retrieve the information and heal.

EMDR is  an eye movement deprogramming reprocessing technique. It is a way to taking a trauma and reprocessing it and filing it so that the experience doesn’t haunt the person. I recommend it.

One of the imagines I had in retrieving this experience include the man laying on top of me and not being able to breathe. He also made me straddle him. Then “I” saw “me” walk away and “I” was stuck behind to garage.

I also did a soul retrieval. I used a counselor for this process. In a meditative state, I went back and got my six year old self who was stuck behind the garage. I had to help my terrified six year old self grow up emotionally. I am an adult even though that wounded part of me may not be.  When my “little girl” would get frighten, I would hold myself and tell her that I had it. This is what we need to do or that we would figure it out. It really didn’t take very long. Almost there.

So it is one day at a time, one moment at a time staying in the present. It is in the present that we can handle life. It is impossible to handle life when much of the psyche is stuck some place in the past.

Assignment… Add all the gratitude for today. Be gratitude.

Comments

  1. Dear Mary Pat,

    I want to honor you for your bravery in being willing to share such intimate details about your past.
    Like you, I also have a lot of sexual abuse that has colored my experiences and I’ve spent years devoted to working on my own healing. I have also used EMDR, but my preference is to use a simple do-it-yourself stress relief process called Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT to release the painful charge on the memories.

    I find that despite the fact that I’ve had great success in letting go of many memories of abuse, I still feel very vulnerable when it comes to being more intimate with my husband. I have come to realize that when I am stressed in general, it’s likely that my mind will go back to the old familiar victim-y place and it’s necessary for me to do some kind of grounding work in order to get back my sense of inner peace so that I can be fully present with my husband.

    Many times I find it very useful to use the tapping to clear my fears, anxieties and feelings of shame. I do this so that I can reconnect with my body and allow myself to feel safe again and make it possible to feel lovable and desirable and passionate which increases my desire to make love. In fact several years ago I was written up in First for Women magazine and I discussed how I have used the tapping to overcome a lot of my food and body image issues. I consider the tapping to be one of the best and most effective tools for managing stress ever. Have you ever had any experience with it?

    • Andrea, I do like EFT and I use it frequently, sometimes daily. It gets your energy moving in the moment and all you have to do is TAP! Good for you. Keep Tapping! Together we will heal and help the planet. :)

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